Staple Guns Should Be An Approved Parenting Tool

Staple guns should be an approved parenting tool. We’re allowed to use cribs lined with jail bars to keep kids in bed. We use locked gates to keep the little ones from going where we don’t want them to go. We cover door handles with plastic contraptions to keep them inside. So why not implement staple guns?

I have been blessed with the most snuggly little dude. Kisses, hugs and nuzzles abound from Hbomb. However, those wonderful traits don’t turn off just because the lights have.

Countless nights he has secretly wiggled his way between my husband and me in our bed — his little body appearing next to us as if a magic trick as we sleep. And the demand for love and connection rages on as he continuously rubs his feel against us. He sleeps cocooned the warmth of us. We toss and turn and wish with a twinge of madness that we could fall back asleep.

Oh sure. We’ve tried all of the nighttime tricks. They’re not even worth listing. You wouldn’t have the time to read them all. Hbomb has an invisible chord that pulls him into our bed several nights a week, leaving us sapped of energy and desperately sneaking in a nap during the work day.

Our latest venture is if he spends the entire night in his bed, he gets a quarter. It may sound like bribery, but the dude earns it. We don’t just give it to him. And isn’t a good night’s sleep worth a quarter?

If this last incentive doesn’t work, I’m considering pulling out the staple gun. Who could blame me? Staple that dude’s pajamas to the bed so he can’t get up and tiptoe into my room. It’s brilliant! I would produce them in kid-friendly colors — bright orange, blue or green. You would have your pick of colors in kid-friendly plastic with a safety latch, no less!

And I would call it something cutesy like the Staple Sleeper. It would become an instant best selling product on QVC and sell out in an hour. Trust me on this one.

Anyway! My husband is traveling this week. Ah, sweet bliss to have a quiet bed. I kept my fingers crossed for a night of no snoring. No bumping. No children stealing my key hours of sleep to address the next day.

But as I crawled into bed, I felt a profound loneliness and found myself wishing Hbomb would wake up and snuggle with me. I just wanted to wrap my arms around his little body, give him kisses and hear his soft breathing. For a fleeting moment, I even thought of getting him.

Perhaps it’s time to rethink how I feel when he messes up my sleep, keeping me from the restorative REM we all crave.┬áNext time, I think I’ll just nuzzle up to Hbomb and enjoy how his little body spoons with mine before he’s too big to want to. Well, at least until sleep deprivation shakes me back to reality, and I begin daydreaming about my deep blue Staple Sleeper again.

For some insightful reading and ideas about how to get your child to sleep, consider the following affiliate links:

3 Tips to Help Your Baby Sleep at Night

3 Comments

  1. You are too funny. Staple guns and duct tape should be approved parenting tools. Thanks for the links to other alternatives since stapling kids into bed isn’t an option right now.

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