Telling the Truth is for Suckers Like Me

I am the worst liar. Truly.

There are many things I have wished I was better at.

And, as strange as it may sound, lying is one of them.

Lying is a key part of parenting.

Of marriage.

Of life.

Telling the Truth is for Suckers Like Me | Mommy Evoluiton

Think I’m wrong?

The the next time your child asks you how Santa Claus gets down the chimney, let me know how the truth goes over.

Hate how your husband spends all Sunday watching football?

Why don’t you let him know.

Think your boss is a raging idiot who conned his way into his position despite the fact he doesn’t know the first thing about being a good manager?

Yeah. Put that in your next memo.

The point is lying either directly or by omission is a part of life. And for most of my life I have completely sucked at it.

My husband still laughs at how badly I do it… Even when my intentions are good.

Lying is virtually impossible for me.

It takes a well-heeled poker face I simply don’t have.

So why, in my desperate hour of need and understanding, was I able to put on a pale-faced veil, smile and pretend I was okay when clearly I wasn’t?

After Vman was born, I spiraled into a terrible depression.

The only problem — I didn’t know I was depressed.

Sure. Having an SPD infant who screamed nonstop was tough.

Getting bitten to the point of bleeding and daily head butts that left stars spinning in front of my eyes wasn’t fun.

But I’m the kind of person who pulls herself up by the boot straps and marches on.

Parenthood wasn’t going to defeat me.

Little did I understand I was facing something bigger than me.

While denying what was clearly in front of me, I fell into a black hole of depression.

And because I unconsciously was able to fool myself, I started fooling others that I was okay.

From the moment I stepped out of bed and put my feet on the floor, I was lying.

Lying I could reasonably make it through another day.

Lying to the other parents I greeted at the daycare with my painted on smile.

Lying to my marketing clients I was engaged one hundred percent while I was wrapped in my terry cloth robe and PJs.

Lying to my husband that we were going to make the long haul.

I became the queen of lying without even realizing it.

I wanted to believe these things and willed them to be true.

However, lying takes more than just one person.

It takes a village to listen and accept these lies. Or at least a village to turn its head and ignore the problems staring it straight in the eyes.

Eventually the dam had to break.

But in the end no one could break it except for me.

With a lot of counseling, I started chipping away at the inauthentic facade I had swathed myself in.

My life was a horrifying roller coaster of isolation, misunderstanding, doubt and self-loathing.

Pretending everything was a-okay was exhausting and stripped me of what little energy I had left after the husband, house, job and SPD kiddos vacuumed me clean.

I began to realize being true to myself could be the greatest gift I could give to myself.

Now please understand.

I’m a work in progress.

There are days when friends ask how I’m doing, and I say I’m just fine to make things easy.

But more often than not, I’m learning how to present my authentic self to those I love, including myself. 

I’d much rather tell the truth to those around me, embrace my genuine self and dissipate those horrid feelings rattling around inside me rather than be the sucker who suppresses her feelings and blackens her spirit.

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  1. Good for you telling the truth! I completely understand the facade to make yourself seem ok – in a lot of ways, for me, the facade is for myself as much as anyone else. If I admit I’m not ok, then I’m REALLY not ok… as an SPD/PDD-NOS mom I don’t have time to be not ok. thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being honest. Have you read any of Brene Brown’s work? You should.

  2. I completely relate to the situation of having the life sucked out of you. After I had my son, I was completely drained for about 5 years. I didn’t know I was depressed. And when I complained to my doctor that I had less than no energy, she blew it off. I was depressed and my thyroid was low. It wasn’t until I had done energy work and some of the depression lifted, that I was able to see, and able to switch doctors to someone who now takes me seriously.

    Yeah, and that lying thing- I hate to lie. Even when answering the polite, “Hi. How are you?” when I feel like screaming and totally breaking down.

    Kudos to you for putting it out there- how so many of us feel. And kudos to you for getting help and doing the work to fill yourself back up. It’s so very important.

    1. muddymonkeysmama says:

      Thanks for the feedback, Mariner. The more honest we can be to each other as mothers the better off we’ll all be.

  3. From one honest mother to another, sometimes it sucks to be a mom; that doesn’t mean you love your nuggets any less!

  4. Jennifer Williams says:

    Lying can get you into a mess of trouble when it leads to depression. I too have been there, glad you found help.

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